Monday, November 24, 2008


The test was negative.

I needed a couple of days to process the news. At first I was very sad (Saturday, I was under the covers until 3pm w/ a wet face) and disappointed. It felt like all that I did was for not. A conversation with C on Sunday morning totally changed my outlook on fertility and the future.

DH is a man that is about action and will rarely discuss how he feels, as most men are. So, I have felt alone in this fertility struggle. It has been my vendetta to get pregnant, because I thought I knew how he felt and what he wanted/needed. I couldn't let him down. I didn't realize it would be this hard or have such a huge impact on changing who I am...who we are.

I have never seen him be more genuine as he made these key statements:

1. He married me for me and if it was just him and I, he would need nothing else.
2. He is in love with me and I owe him nothing. Just to love him and our life that we currently have together. Not what the future may or may not bring to us.
3. He admitted that it is not hard for him to be around people having kids (like it has been for me) because he already has what he wants and anything additional would just be an another blessing.

I must have done something good to deserve this man. I'm a moron. I have been wasting these past couple of years for no valid reason. Thank you God for this clarity.

I just got a call, this morning, from Dr. M. He said that he is optimistic and that he wants to make changes to my protocol for the next IVF cycle, in December. I made a consult appointment with him for 12/1 to discuss. It is amazing that I really don't care as much as I did before. It would be nice if this happens for us, but if it doesn't I have a wonderful husband and son that I will love and be content with forever.

1 comment:

  1. You have tears in my eyes I know this process may be hard. DH made a good point look at what you have which is what alot of women want and yearn for. You are blessed and will get your angel in due time.
    Cousin, cousin, cousin, of mine.
    You really, really, are so kind.
    Though your troubles seem more than a few, you would never know it by talking with you.
    Your high-spirited ways always amaze,
    because you bring sunlight to cloudy days.
    You seem so upbeat, and that's a great treat,
    for all the people that you meet.
    You like to help others when you can
    and people like you are how hope and charity began.
    You are so spiritual and so true , it's easy to see that God is with you.
    Good-hearted people like you are a rare find
    and that's why I'm glad you are a cousin of mine.
    Genesis 2:18
    The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." ( You are his helper you too are in this together love him and hold him because he is going through this process as well).
    I will keep you in prayer