I came across this poem called "What makes a Mother" and it brought tears to my eyes. It made me go over our TTC journey. The joy that I have felt when we have found out that I'm pregnant, only to find out that I wouldn't get to see my bundle of joy 9 months down the road.
I have possibly one, two, or zero babies in my womb right now. If I find out I'm pregnant, I truly feel that I won't be able to feel joy and only numbness. Since we see an RE, we will get an early u/s at 6 weeks. Maybe then I will be able to find a connection with the pregnancy. But until I see a heartbeat, I'm going to pretend it's not even there. My heart must be protected.
Today I was so sleepy and crampy and a wave of fear came over me. Please God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change and rejoice in the things that you have blessed me with. I have such an awesome husband and son. Who am I to ask for anything more?
What makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...
"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?
"Yes, you can,"He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this,God.
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheeks
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home
and this is where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.
So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.