Negative

The test was negative.

I needed a couple of days to process the news. At first I was very sad (Saturday, I was under the covers until 3pm w/ a wet face) and disappointed. It felt like all that I did was for not. A conversation with C on Sunday morning totally changed my outlook on fertility and the future.

DH is a man that is about action and will rarely discuss how he feels, as most men are. So, I have felt alone in this fertility struggle. It has been my vendetta to get pregnant, because I thought I knew how he felt and what he wanted/needed. I couldn't let him down. I didn't realize it would be this hard or have such a huge impact on changing who I am...who we are.

I have never seen him be more genuine as he made these key statements:

1. He married me for me and if it was just him and I, he would need nothing else.
2. He is in love with me and I owe him nothing. Just to love him and our life that we currently have together. Not what the future may or may not bring to us.
3. He admitted that it is not hard for him to be around people having kids (like it has been for me) because he already has what he wants and anything additional would just be an another blessing.

I must have done something good to deserve this man. I'm a moron. I have been wasting these past couple of years for no valid reason. Thank you God for this clarity.

I just got a call, this morning, from Dr. M. He said that he is optimistic and that he wants to make changes to my protocol for the next IVF cycle, in December. I made a consult appointment with him for 12/1 to discuss. It is amazing that I really don't care as much as I did before. It would be nice if this happens for us, but if it doesn't I have a wonderful husband and son that I will love and be content with forever.

Test Day....Tomorrow!

This has been the longest wait! I am happy that this cycle is over and I will find out if this craziness has worked or if it's a flop. Still no symptoms, except for sore chest. I have been trying to prepare myself for the negative, by thinking of positives if this cycle has failed.

Here is my list so far....

1. We have no left over embryos for a future attempt...maybe another cycle with a different protocol will give us extra eggs...hence extra embryos.
2. If I am pregnant now, I will probably not be able to go on the cruise scheduled in April 09, with the fam, due to being over Carnival's 23/24 week pregnancy cut off.
3. I want to lose the weight I have gained this cycle, due to meds and emotional eating, and start my next cycle off lighter and with more energy.
4. If this didn't work, our IVF cycle #2 will be in December which would possibly give me a delivery date before CJ's next birthday. I really didn't want my kids spaced over six years, but at this point this is less important. We plan to adopt regardless, at some point, so possibly that child will fill the gap.
5. I can't think of anything else. I hope it worked this time!

To be continued........

Feeling Doubtful

Well, I'm now 9 days past our 3 day transfer. I'm not feeling very positive. It just doesn't seem like it's going to work. I'm trying to be more optimistic. No symptoms. Just pain from my endometriosis and severe bloat syndrome.

I made our blood test appointment for this Friday, 11/21.

Bye Bye Baby Shower

Today we had a baby shower for my SIL at our house. (Talk about punishing myself) I love my family so much that at times I put aside what is going on with me to make others feel good (that's what family should do). I was successful at that today.

Although I wasn't the host, when it is your house, you are basically a host as well. Every time I tried to sneak away, I would hear someone call my name because they couldn't find something, they wanted my opinion, etc.

What stung about this particular shower was that I was due 4 weeks behind my SIL, this coming January. It was a lovely reminder how quickly time has gone and how I am still TTC after all this time. Around the time when she was about to deliver her last child (3.5 yr ago), DH and I had decided to try for #2. Now she is having another and it forces me to see the amount of time that has actually past. I pray that in another 3 years I'm not floating through the same reality. I'm so blessed, but I can't deny the void in my heart due to this process.

Johns Hopkins MBA!

I'm so proud of my Big bro! He is so wonderful. :-)

We all had a great time tonight at his graduation dinner. My favorite part was hearing so many people say such nice things about my brother. I was so happy for him. Great time.

Can you be a little pregnant......into the 1 Week Wait

This has been such an interesting experience to say the least.

One thing I can say is that DH has been so supportive and sweet. He has been going to get me drinks when I say I'm thirsty, doing things with the boy that he may not normally do (like make lunches, laundry, etc) before I can get to them, getting my heating pad ready before I take my Progesterone shot at night. He is just a great person. This morning, I had my work bag sitting by the door and he went over to it and picked it up. Then he said, "This bag is too heavy for you to carry". (I'm not suppose to carry over 10 pounds) When I went out to the car, I thought that I forgot the bag in the house, but when I got my son situated in the backseat I noticed my work bag there. I love him! xoxoxoxo

It has been 6 days since the transfer. If this were a normal cycle, I would get my period on day 28, 11/19. I promised DH that I would wait until the blood test to find out, if we are expecting, but I am so tempted to take a home pregnancy test around the time I would normally get my period. The blood test is almost an entire week past it! Maybe I can talk C into it.

I had the worst nausea yesterday and thought to myself "Oh, my God. I might be pregnant". But, I don't want to get my hopes up. I didn't have any nausea with my son. I am hoping to be as lucky the second time around.

This weekend is going to be super busy. I should be distracted, at least, until Monday.

On another note, I have decided to go organic and low-carb. Due to the medications, I have gained between 5-10 pounds over the last 4 weeks. I am retaining water something awful as well. When I was pregnant with my son, I gained all of my weight in the first 5 months and then lost 1-2 pounds, every doc check up, or stayed at the same weight for the remainder of the pregnancy (He still had a birth weight of 8.5 pounds). The reason for the lull in weight gain was that I was put on a low-carb diet due to gestational diabetes. I plan on learning from that is to start now, so that I don't add another 40 pounds on to my current weight. I read that if you start overweight (I have a BMI of 29) that the recommended weight gain is 15-25 pounds. I'm going to try hard to fall into that range. That would keep me under 200 pounds post delivery and make it easier to lose the extra pounds. I am going to google pregnancy weight for twins if your overweight (since that's a possiblitiy!). DH said last night that he wants to buy a treadmill, which would be great. I'm nervous about using my elliptical, but walking would be totally fine. Well, off to Giant's salad bar.

What Makes a Mother

I came across this poem called "What makes a Mother" and it brought tears to my eyes. It made me go over our TTC journey. The joy that I have felt when we have found out that I'm pregnant, only to find out that I wouldn't get to see my bundle of joy 9 months down the road.

I have possibly one, two, or zero babies in my womb right now. If I find out I'm pregnant, I truly feel that I won't be able to feel joy and only numbness. Since we see an RE, we will get an early u/s at 6 weeks. Maybe then I will be able to find a connection with the pregnancy. But until I see a heartbeat, I'm going to pretend it's not even there. My heart must be protected.

Today I was so sleepy and crampy and a wave of fear came over me. Please God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change and rejoice in the things that you have blessed me with. I have such an awesome husband and son. Who am I to ask for anything more?

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...
"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this,God.
I want my baby here."
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheeks
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here.

"So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home
and this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

3 Day Transfer

Their in! We did our transfer this morning and put back two Grade 1 (7 cell) embryos. The doctor said that everything looked great.

The plan for the rest of the weekend is to take it easy. I am on 24 hour bedrest and then I just have to tread lightly for the next 3-4 days.

Our blood pregnancy test on 11/24 seems so far away!

We have fertilization!

I didn't get the call on my cell phone yesterday, but I did get one at work! When I got into the office, this morning, I had a call from A. our nurse saying that out of the 4 eggs they retrieved, 3 had fertilized normally!

After I listened to her message, I called her and she said that she would call me back as soon as she got today's report. Then she would know if we are doing a Day 3 transfer (tomorrow) or Day 5 (Monday).

UPDATE (12 noon): I got a call from A, our nurse, and our transfer will be tomorrow morning! All three embryos are still growing strong. DH and I will have to decide how many we will transfer. This is so exciting!

Grow embies grow!

We had our egg retrieval yesterday. All went well. I am still a little sore today, so I am resting and doing some work from home. I don't know what I expected to happen, but it was a pretty uneventful experience. We left the house around 6:45 AM to get to Rockville, MD by 8:15 AM. The traffic was horrendous. I hate being late for appointments and was really stressed on the ride over. I though we would be terribly late, but we arrive only 5 minutes late. The techs took us to an area of the clinic I hadn't seen before. It looked like a triage at a hospital. Each patient was partitioned off by a curtain, so it was semi private. I found it interesting to listen in on other patients questions and retrieval results.

At exactly 9:45 AM, on the dot, a nurse came to get me and off to the operating room we went. It had to be 30 degrees in there! I was freezing. I sat at the edge of the table and all I remember saying was "It is so cold in here". Someone in back of me answered "We will cover you up once you go under". I laid back and the next thing I remember is being in recovery. It didn't take long to come out of the anesthesia fog. I was given discharge instructions and the doctor came in with our retrieval results. She said that she retrieved 4 high quality eggs and that the embryologist would call us in the afternoon, today, to give us our fertilization report.

We didn't get our call today. I called the office and they hadn't received the fertilization report telling us how many of the 4 are still growing. If all goes well, we will do our embryo transfer on Saturday afternoon. I hope that they all make it until Saturday! Grow embies grow! I will post an update once we get our call.

Trigger Time!

I'm so excited that we are triggering this evening. That makes our egg retrieval Wednesday morning! Yay!

I had an appointment Saturday(#3), Sunday (#4), and this morning (#5) and the same 8 follicles are ready to go. Although we only have 8 that are still in the running (that they can see), it only takes one.

Instructions are no more meds tonight or tomorrow night (except for HCG injection, tonight, to release eggs from follicles) . That will be a nice break.

The retrieval will take place at the main location in Rockville, MD. We have to arrive by 8:15 AM, for a 9:45 AM retrieval, so we are thinking about staying at hotel a couple of miles away, tomorrow night. That way we can just get up and have a short ride over instead of having to fight with the morning rush hour. We are already an hour away without it. Our son is going to stay with his cousin overnight. We are so blessed to have a situation were we live close to BIL and SIL and our son's go to the same elementary and after-care. That works well for all of us.

Please pray for us! I will give an update after the retrieval.

Our Routan Twins

C and I are secretly hoping for twins....shhhhhh......Thanks to the Routan baby maker if we had twins.....

....this is what they would look like. Fun tool to get me away from working. Awww...They both have Cameron's ears. ha ha ha

The first one kind of looks like CJ as a baby.......Hmmmmmmmmmm........................

Try it out!

http://www.vw.com/vwhype/babymaker/en/us/