Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Infertile Feelings

For years, we have been struggling both emotionally and physically to get to this point. It had been such a gut wrenching experience that I can feel how it has changed a piece of who I am. Now that I am pregnant, I don't feel like a "normal" pregnant woman. When I speak to others about the pregnancy, I still feel a strange mist come to my eyes, the same as when I would speak with other woman about their pregnancies trying with the most effort to be happy for them. I don't know why I can't "just be happy". To accept that I finally have a life growing inside of me. My mind and heart are probably trying to protect themselves from another traumatic event.

For the most part, I have had positive thoughts and hopes for a healthy pregnancy. It became evident to me, this past Monday, how much I am still affected by infertility. My church has a Mother's of Young children gathering once a month. It is hosted by a woman in the group (of about 20) and we all get together and talk about marriage, family, and offer support to one another. Well, the cutoff for the group is when your youngest is five years old. I have actually been missing several of these meetings because I felt like I no longer qualified. Let's keep it real, a lot of the woman in the group are my peers and most of them have had a couple additional children while I have been in this struggle which was hard to deal with starting into year 3 of trying. Something like when I had to go to endless baby showers after miscarrying again and again. Torture.
Well, I went and I had a good time - feeling somewhat better now that I have a valid reason for being there. At the end of the get together, they have a time for prayer requests. I wasn't going to say anything, but for some reason I felt the urge to ask for prayers and possibly have support. So, I told them that I was about 4 months pregnant. It took us about 4 years to get to this point and to please pray for us that the pregnancy will be healthy and that we can welcome our little one home in May. I got some strange reactions. A lot of people said congratulations. As I looked around I saw someone mouth to another woman "4 years! OMG" Others gave each other looks. At that moment, I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut. It made my feel like I was a weirdo. It was probably just surprising to them. I know that I shouldn't feel like that, but I have the tattoos of my experiences. Anyways enough rambling.

Maybe my feelings will change and the wounds will heal once I get to look into my baby's face.

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