Negative

The test was negative.

I needed a couple of days to process the news. At first I was very sad (Saturday, I was under the covers until 3pm w/ a wet face) and disappointed. It felt like all that I did was for not. A conversation with C on Sunday morning totally changed my outlook on fertility and the future.

DH is a man that is about action and will rarely discuss how he feels, as most men are. So, I have felt alone in this fertility struggle. It has been my vendetta to get pregnant, because I thought I knew how he felt and what he wanted/needed. I couldn't let him down. I didn't realize it would be this hard or have such a huge impact on changing who I am...who we are.

I have never seen him be more genuine as he made these key statements:

1. He married me for me and if it was just him and I, he would need nothing else.
2. He is in love with me and I owe him nothing. Just to love him and our life that we currently have together. Not what the future may or may not bring to us.
3. He admitted that it is not hard for him to be around people having kids (like it has been for me) because he already has what he wants and anything additional would just be an another blessing.

I must have done something good to deserve this man. I'm a moron. I have been wasting these past couple of years for no valid reason. Thank you God for this clarity.

I just got a call, this morning, from Dr. M. He said that he is optimistic and that he wants to make changes to my protocol for the next IVF cycle, in December. I made a consult appointment with him for 12/1 to discuss. It is amazing that I really don't care as much as I did before. It would be nice if this happens for us, but if it doesn't I have a wonderful husband and son that I will love and be content with forever.

Test Day....Tomorrow!

This has been the longest wait! I am happy that this cycle is over and I will find out if this craziness has worked or if it's a flop. Still no symptoms, except for sore chest. I have been trying to prepare myself for the negative, by thinking of positives if this cycle has failed.

Here is my list so far....

1. We have no left over embryos for a future attempt...maybe another cycle with a different protocol will give us extra eggs...hence extra embryos.
2. If I am pregnant now, I will probably not be able to go on the cruise scheduled in April 09, with the fam, due to being over Carnival's 23/24 week pregnancy cut off.
3. I want to lose the weight I have gained this cycle, due to meds and emotional eating, and start my next cycle off lighter and with more energy.
4. If this didn't work, our IVF cycle #2 will be in December which would possibly give me a delivery date before CJ's next birthday. I really didn't want my kids spaced over six years, but at this point this is less important. We plan to adopt regardless, at some point, so possibly that child will fill the gap.
5. I can't think of anything else. I hope it worked this time!

To be continued........

Feeling Doubtful

Well, I'm now 9 days past our 3 day transfer. I'm not feeling very positive. It just doesn't seem like it's going to work. I'm trying to be more optimistic. No symptoms. Just pain from my endometriosis and severe bloat syndrome.

I made our blood test appointment for this Friday, 11/21.